HUMOR

ANDREW MARLATT, SatireWire.com Editor, June 19, 2002
CZIIOWSKY: President Bush claims he reads Touqueville and Adam Smith. Should I be glad that he is trying to become an intellectual, or concerned that he is relying on 18th and 19th century intellectuals to find solutions to 21st century problems?
MARLATT: Perhaps you misunderstood. I believe the President said he had “been” to tokeville, not read him.

ALEX KEYSSAR, Kennedy School of Government Political Expert, and FRED SILVERMAN, Television Producer, October 21, 2002
CZIKOWSKY: How about that election in Iraq? Any chance of a recount? Where is Kathleen Harris when we need her?
KEYSSAR: We have to remember that the two parties is only more than one.
SILVERMAN: I think at least there they didn’t have to have the court decide.
KEYSSAR: Do we think Bush will let everyone out of prison?

GENE WEINGARTEN, Washington Post Staff Writer, October 25, 2005
WEINGARTEN: Is human kosher? Could a cannibal be kosher?
CZIKOWSKY: Only females are kosher. Everyone knows all men are pigs.
WEINGARTEN: Hahahahahaha. Okay, very good.

DAVE BARRY, author, February 15, 2006
CZIKOWSKY: What creeps me out is not the eye on the back of the dollar bill but the floating section of building. Does our government advocate the overthrow of the laws of physics? What is it with that floating top of the building? BARRY: There’s merely an accurate rendering of the famous Floating Building in Washington, D.C.
CZIKOWSKY: If it costs more than a penny to make a penny, can I sell my pennies for more than a penny?
BARRY: This is EXACTLY why we have eBay.
CZIKOWSKY: Today, the Philadelphia Inquirer, which normally prints two pages of comics, printed only one page. Where are the protests against this offense to our cultural traditions? Will you and Gene Weingarten help those in Philadelphia protest this cruelty?
BARRY: I say we burn down a Danish embassy, assuming there are any left.
HiCZIKOWSKY: I just sent $10,000 to a widow in Nigeria to help her move her $10 million inheritance out of the country. When she pays me my half, how should I best invest those profits to ensure my future financial security?
BARRY: I would think you could easily afford to purchase several hundred thousand copies of my book, which by the way is for sale.
CZIKOWSKY: This broker keeps calling wanting to sell me hedge funds. What are hedge funds? Are they futures in hedgehogs? Are hedgehogs good eatings?
BARRY: They make FINE eating. I like to fry up a big mess o’ hedgefundhogs after shooting them with the Vice President. NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING FUNNY ABOUT THIS.

PETER MEHLMAN, former “Seinfeld” writer, and JONATHAN TURLEY, Georgue Washington University Law Professor, February 21, 2006
CZIKOWSKY: Peter, which one of the Seinfeld writers ruined my life? We had a great secret in New York: the International House of Soups. But one of the Seinfeld writers had to let the secret out. Now, Al has gone commercial, the original store is closed, and some mass produced discount version of the original soup is being produced at chains of stores. Fess up: which writer has destroyed life in Manhattan as we used to know it?
MEHLMAN: His name is Spike Feresten. Want his phone number?
CZIKOWSKY: Could Cheney potentially face charges in the shooting? If convicted, would a Vice President be sentenced to a secret prison? All this time Cheney thought he’d be sending people to secret prisons, not serving in one.
MEHLMAN: No chance of him being arrested, indicted, or prosecuted in any way. But there’s no harm in dreaming.
CZIKOWSKY: Has there been an explanation to the discrepancy between the owner of the ranch where the shooting happened stating that no alcohol was present and Cheney’s statement he had one beer? Is it advisable to hunt while drinking alcohol?
MEHLMAN: I haven’t heard any explanation so I’ll just irresponsibly offer one. Since the woman clearly lied, saying there was only Dr. Pepper served at lunch and Mr. Cheney admitted to having a beer…he probably had three beers. And maybe a vodka gimlet.
CZIKOWSKY: If we assume irresponsibly that Cheney had three beers and a vodka gimlet: are there any penalties for shooting a person while drunk? Or in Texas, is just a warning issued?
TURLEY: Indeed, it is considered negligence per se to hunt while intoxicated. As you might imagine, this is one of the main concerns for game wardens who often look for alcohol consumption after a “mistaken for game” incident. This is why it was a bit surprising to see the delay in the interview of Cheney by Texas officials. Having said that, Cheney has a reputation for being safety minded and there is no evidence of intoxication like an effort to skin Whittington in the filed or follow the shot with a bayonet charge.
CZIKOWSKY: Why can’t two men go into the woods together without questioning their sexuality? Oh, I’m sorry, is this the Brokeback Mountain discussion?
MEHLMAN: Two months late on that one.

GENE WEINGARTEN, Washington Post Staff Writer, June 6, 2006
CZIKOWSKY: This reminds me of a tale someone connected to the TV show “Fridays” told me once. They did a comedy sketch that made fun of Hassidic Jews. They were surprised that they did not receive a single complaint from a Hassid. Then, someone pointed out: the show is on Friday nights after sunset. No Hassids were watching.
WEINGARTEN: Precisely.

GENE WEINGARTEN, Washington Post Staff Writer, June 27, 2006
CZIKOWSKY: As a Christian Scientist who believes in the power of prayer, but doubts if Jesus is the Messiah, I have converted to Judaism. Yet, now I find I am a Jewish Scientist. I have now discovered the power of healing myself by constantly complaining about it long enough until I feel better.
WEINGARTEN: I’m laughing.

GENE WEINGARTEN, Washington Post Staff Writer, July 11, 2006
CZIKOWSKY: I have a confession. I have not gotten what the “no soap, radio” joke is. I assume there is something I am missing, but I can’t figure out what the humor is between the lack of soap and a radio, nor can I think of any analogous hidden meaning that would make this funny. Would someone please explain to me what the joke is? I would really appreciate it.
WEINGARTEN: First you have soap, right? Then you DON”T have soap, but there is still radio! The radio never goes away.
CZIKOWSKY: I still don’t get it. What is funny about the radio still being there?
WEINGARTEN: Because there was a time when it was not there, and then it is there. But the same cannot be said for soap.
CZIKOWSKY: Thank you. I think I now understand it, although it doesn’t seem that funny. Let me think about it some more.
WEINGARTEN: Congratulations!
You have all of us laughing, so thank you, too.

ANDREA SACHS, Washington Post Travel Section Flight Crew, August 7, 2006
CZIKOWSKY: I wish to please share with you a cute traveling story. On a flight once, there was a little boy who was flying for the first time. After the flight attendant got to the part where she says “your seat may be used as a flotation device”, he excitedly turned to his mother and asked “they have a pool on this plane?”
SACHS: That is soooo cute, the little bugger.

GENE WEINGARTERN, Washington Post Staff Writer, June 9, 2006
CZIKOWSKY: Sarah Silverman has the perfect line for every Catholic bad boy. Her line is “yeah, we Jews killed Christ. And I’d do it again. WEINGARTEN: A great line. It ranks right up there with Bill Hick’s great line: “What I don’t get is why Christians wear crosses. When Jesus comes back, do you really think he’s going to want to see a f-----g cross?”

K.C. SUMMERS, Washington Post Travel Section Flight Crew, August 28, 2006
CZIKOWSKY: I know there are codes somewhere, so that when booking a flight the person booking the flight already knows my preference for seating. What is the code for “seat next to the fattest person on the flight” and how do I get the code removed?
SUMMERS: Now, now.

BEN BRADLEE, Washington Post Vice President, January 18, 2007
CZIKOWSKY: How good a gin player was Art Buchwald? What are some of your favorite gin game stories of Art Buchwald?
BRADLEE: (LAUGHS) He wasn’t very good at all and neither was I—not to put on a too fine about it. It really was a way of being together and shooting the breeze and talking about the hell was going on in Paris.

JENNIFER BUCHWALD, daughter of Art Buchwald, January 18, 2007
CZIKOWSKY: In looking back while growing up with your father, what are some of the funniest moments you recall?
BUCHWALD: The funniest moments are his playfulness and not worrying about how he looked when he had the rabbit outfit on at Easter (he did this every year at Ethel Kennedy’s house) and being a Jewish Santa Clause (at home). And he was a “ringmaster: for choosing the best dog of the group at the Kennedy’s and every dog wound up getting a prize. And by the way, he hates dogs. Thank you very much.

LIZ KELLY, washingtonpost.com celebrity blogger, June 14, 2007
CZIKOWSKY: Mike Huckabee stated “one of the things that’s frustrating is there’s more attention on Britney Spears getting out of the car without underwear than who’s going to be the next President.” My question: does anyone know what kind of underwear Britney is now wearing?
KELLY: What kind of underwear is Barack Obama wearing? That’s the question.

ANNE APPLEBAUM, Slate Writer, August 3, 2007
CZIKOWSKY: OMG, ltr-writing is dying? LOL. Y U think that is?
APPLEBAUM: I’ve never written learned to be eloquent in IM-speak. But I gather it is now reaching new levels of sophistication. Danielle Crittenden has just written an entire book in IM-speak-“The President’s IMs” imagining how Bush/Condi/Dick etc. would communicate with one another if they used it.

STREETER SEIDELL, CollegeHumor.com Front Page Editor, August 16, 2007
CZIKOWSKY: My college roommate is a sleepwalker. He says not to wake him if he sleepwalks. Yet, he sleep walks and mumbles about how he is planning to kill me. Now I can’t sleep. Any advice?
SEIDELL: In this case, I believe a preemptive strike is in order. Why, just look how well it was worked for us in Iraq.
CZIKOWSKY: I have a problem adjusting to college. I walked around the streets of Philadelphia for hours looking for something to do. I finally asked a local and told him “I’ve been walking the streets of Philadelphia for hours looking for something to do. What is it that you Philadelphians do?” He told me “you just did it”. What should I do?
SEIDELL: Go to Pat’s and get a Cheese Wit.
CZIKOWSKY: I remember my freshman year, a guy announced he’s had enough. He hopped on his motorcycle and left. I thought that was so cool. Of course, he came back a week later.
SEIDELL: I’m surprised you remember me. I thought everyone forgot about that.

GENE WEINGARTEN, Washington Post Staff Writer, August 21, 2007
CZIKOWSKY: If Rupert Murdoch bought the New York Times, do you think it would start running comics?
WEINGARTEN: Yes.

JONATHAN WEISMAN, Washington Post Congressional Reporter, August 28, 2007
CZIKOWSKY: Might the Log Cabin Republicans endorse Larry Craig for re-election, and would he accept the endorsement?
WEISMAN: Not if he’s taking the wide-stand defense!

GENE WEINGARTEN, Washington Post Staff Writer, August 28, 2007
CZIKOWSKY: Of course Berkeley Breathed draws pornography. Haven’t you noticed how Opus always gets the sexiest women in all comics? WEINGARTEN: The sexiest women in all comics might be in “9 Chickweed Lane”, an otherwise reprehensible comic. But Berkeley is close.
I was hot for Calvin’s mom, but I’m a little weird.

LIZ KELLY, washingotonpost.com celebritology blogger, August 30, 2007
CZIKOWSKY: If Leona Helmsley’s dogs do not pay all their inheritance taxes, will the IRS place them in a kennel?
KELLY: I just can’t even comment on this, except to say that I take fabulous care of my pets and there’s always room here for a couple more.

AMY ARGETSINGER, Washington Post Reliable Source Columnist, September 12, 2007
CZIKOWSKY: I look a little like Russell Crowe. I’ve been stopped three times now for an autograph. How do I know these sightings aren’t really me? Also, should I start going around throwing telephones at people, just to keep the image up?
ARGETSINGER: Would you please? I mean, if Actual Russell Crowe persists in behaving nicely in local restaurants, we’re going to have to stop writing about him.

DAVE BARRY, humor writer, January 3, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: In addition to being a famous humor writer, I know you are also a specialist in Physics. I am new to Physics, so maybe you can explain something to me. If nothing can move faster than the speed of light, and if light consists of both particles and waves, aren’t the waves, which travel in different directions while maintaining the same forward momentum of traveling at the speed of light, in fact traveling at a speed greater than the speed of light while moving in their nonlinear trajectory?
BARRY: I did take Physics, but that was at Pleasantville (NY) High School in the 1969s. I was in Mr. Heideman’s class, and what I mainly remember was, during Physics Lab, dropping various objects out of the window with my friend Joe DiGiacinto, who is now an attorney. We determined that there was definitely gravity around Pleasantville High. There was also light, but I don’t remember seeing any particles or waves, at least not until later in the Sixties. I hope this helps.

MICHAEL SHOWALTER, comedian, February 2, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: What do you find funniest about Michael Ian Black?
SHOWALTER: The funniest thing about Michael Black is his stanky BO. It’s funny in a “OMG I can’t believe your BO is that stanky” kinda way.
CZIKOWSKY: Didn’t Proust also write “Everybody Poops:?
SHOWALTER: No, Proust wrote “Everybody Prousts.”

JEFFREY GOLDBERG, The Atlantic National Correspondent, March 6, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: I have to admit this. I have been living in a cave for the past several years. What is “The Wire” and what have I missed by not seeing this show?
GOLDBERG: “The Wire” is an underwater musical starring Esther Williams.

ANDREA SACHS, Washington Post Travel Section Flight Crew, March 17, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: My favorite St. Patrick’s Day was observing people doing a pub crawl through several Chicago pubs. They printed the names of the pubs they were hitting on the back of t-shirts worn by all in the group. Two gentlemen wondered which bar was next, so they tried to read each other’s t-shirt. Unfortunately, as each moved forward to read the back of the other’s shirt, one could not read the other’s shirt, causing both to run in drunker circles attempting to read their shirts. I think, though, they were having a good time overall.
SACHS: Hope they also wrote on the t-shirts: “If lost, please return to…”

DANA MILBANK, Washington Post columnist, March 21, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: I am enjoying this new reality show on C-SPAN “Congress”, and I have to admit your book is a good guide to better understanding the characters. Yet, I have to admit—I am not finding the characters believable. Maybe they should try new writers. There is no way that anyone would ever behave like that in real life.
MILBANK: I was worried I wouldn’t be have a chance to plug my book, “Homo Politicus: The Strange and Scary Tribes that Run Our Government”. Doubleday 2008. Available where fine books are sold. Proceeds to benefit the Alberto Gonzales Defense Fund.

GENE WEINGARTEN, Washington Post staff writer, March 24, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: You literally have been to the end of our country, in Alaska, and now kept in a roomful of media blasting for 24 hours straight. What tortures are you thinking of doing to yourself in the future?
WEINGARTEN: All that’s left is castration without anesthesia.

KENNY MAYNE, ESPN Personality, April 24, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: If your research is incomplete and inaccurate (in his book “An Incomplete and Inaccurate History of Sport”), how come you haven’t been snatched up by Fox News?
MAYNE: I watch mostly Matthews and Olbermann for news thought I do take in some Fox and CNN.
I like the BBC also.
CZIKOWSKY: Who are some of the best athletes and sports writers turned dancer? To me, Hershel Walker domes to mind, and for those snickering, ballet is very athletically challenging. Anyone else?
MAYNE: Walker used ballet as part of his training…I’m sure he’d do well (on the TV show “Dancing with the Stars”).
So far it seems football players stand out…Jerry, Emmitt, and now Jason.
Jerry says it has to do with their commitment…of course, Jerry said this while wearing glitter yesterday.

DANA MILBANK, Washington Post columnist and DANA PRIEST, Washington Post investigative journalist, July 17,2008
CZIKOWSKY: What is the correct pronunciation of the name “Dana”?
MILBANK: “BROW-klee”.
PRIEST: What he is referring to is our newly named Executive Editor, Marcus Brauchlis, who comes on board September 8.
MILBANK: Apparently a lot of people think it’s funny that our new Executive Editor’s surname sounds like the vegetable broccoli.
I wish for the record that I found this absolutely radichhio. I have been peppered with this nonsense endlessly, and I carrot allow this to leek out any further. Lettuce squash this silliness and never allow it to sprout again.

JOHN DICKERSON, Slate chief political correspondent, July 31, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: I was just sitting in a bar with some of my fellow Pennsylvanians debating whether today to turn to God or to our guns to get out of our despair, when we saw the new commercial where Britney Spears and Paris Hilton support Obama. We realized that if Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, whom we presume are Republicans, can support Obama, then Obama must not be that bad after all.
DICKERSON: I hear many people do still drink at lunch.

LIZ KELLY, washingtonpost.com Celebritology blogger, July 31, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: I drank this drink that claimed when I woke up I would see a blue fairy. Well, that didn’t work. When I woke up, all I saw was a naked Andy Dick outside my window.
KELLY: Gene Weingarten, everyone!

DANA MILBANK, Washington Post columnist, August 7, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: My focus group tells me the voters see the most articulate candidate as Paris Hilton. I hear the Hiltons have money. Should we be vetting her for Vice President?
MILBANK: I have begun the, um, betting Paris already. But the Post IT folks have apparently started blocking my access to certain web sites. Go figure.

LIZ KELLY, washingtonpost.com Celebritology blogger, August 28, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: Whatever happened to Abe Vigoda? He’s not been dead for so long now that he finally has to be old.
KELLY: Man, he’d be fab on “Dancing with the Stars”. At 87, he’d totally out-age Cloris Leachman.
CZIKOWSKY: How about Val Kilmer campaigning with Ralph Nader? Shall we expect you to now be the Post’s Nader reporter?
KELLY: Man, I would love to be on that bus.

ROXANNE ROBERTS, Washington Post Reliable Source Columnist, September 3, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: I heard one joke: A guy goes up to David Letterman and says he has a psychic parrot. The guy asks the parrot “who’s going to be the next President?” and the parrot screeches “barawk, barawk”. Letterman says the act is terrible and throws the guy out. The guy stands outside mumbling to himself “I can’t imagine what went wrong” and the parrot then squawks “mccawn?”
ROBERTS: Macaws for McCain.

CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY, author, September 10, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: In an effort to understand the current political discourse, I wish to report that I tried to put lipstick on both a pit bull and a pig (I wanted to be bipartisan about this). I wish to announce my conclusions that neither the pit bull nor the pig wish to wear lipstick.
BUCKLEY: Isn’t it wonderful how elevated our political discourse is there days? When I was working as a speechwriter in the White House in the early 80’s, I learned a wonderful saying (the context was: trying to get Congress to alter its big-spending habits): “Dot try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.”
CZIKOWSKY: Well, Justices read cue cards written by their clerks and, in fact, if you are Justice Thomas, you seldom have to speak at all. Wouldn’t the problem with a television show judge being named to the Supreme Court is they would become bored by the relative lack of work?
BUCKLEY: You put your finger right on it. She (in “Supreme Courtship”) quickly realizes it’s pretty dry stuff. But the Court becomes a pretty lively place once she’s on it.

AMY ARGETSINGER, Washington Post Reliable Source Columnist, December 17, 2008
CZIKOWSKY: Here is the problem I have with pay to play. Whoever cuts Rod Blagojevich’s hair obviously paid someone off to get his barber’s license.
ARGETSINGER: What I want to know is how much blow drying maintenance that look takes every day.